Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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