There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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