I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
