Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
