I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
