His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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