i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
