question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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