hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
