she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
