does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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