what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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