i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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