I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
