Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
