some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
