You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
