Can i not drive my cunt home
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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