My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
