I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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