Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
