Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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