the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
