That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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