Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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