Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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