I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
