There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There's always time for handjobs
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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