mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
