Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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