You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize