i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
