On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
