I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
