the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
