i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
