did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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