Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
