he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
