My liver just broke up with me...
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
