Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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