don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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