the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
