Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
