Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
