Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
