Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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