alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
