Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
