you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize