Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
