I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
smell my finger.
Actions speak louder than pants.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
