he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
