he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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