btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
