i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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