Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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