I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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