Your dad touched me again.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
