I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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