ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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