My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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