During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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