I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
