I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
